05/20/2010

1807

The dependable ecstasies no longer satisfy: food, sex, love, pow-
er, poetry, prayer, nothing engods, mouse under cabinet splash-
ing blood against heart walls, nose twitching for oblivion to
fill out skin, nothing, flat, highs sliding, and I needing refined,
higher grade, purity brighter than white, multiple simultaneous
partners fused into one explosive orgasmic tide, tie off arm
and shoot naked women like speedball; poetry sickens, art
of prima donnas soaking faces in egg-milk until they resemble
pot pie, calling it courage, squeamish civility of conformity,
gulag of cutesy, give me entrails that I may wrap myself in
shawl of bowel, liver, blood, balls, god's reeking mansion
sweeping me into Pan's hermaphroditic room, transcendence,
foetal, magnificent; the coitus interruptus of gustatory thrill,
table centerpiece, I want mouth bomb created by exquisite
explosives assembled in Lucifer's smoldering kitchen, man-
goes blowing tops off heads, kumquats previously orbiting
Mars, aperitif blanketed with Jesus's jism, a candle snuffer
suffocates ambition's flame flickering for god's nonexis-
tent air, smoke encased brittle black wick, daddy cannot
nor holy ghost escape, therefore, washing to shore, hair plas-
tered, legs sucked back, flat as flounder, raging incremen-
tally less, I resign, like my parents and theirs before them,
occasionally flicking stinger or flare, fantasizing fullness,
overplus, satiation, fat, conditions necessitated by central
control and its brick-like gray impenetrable compaction.

-------------

1949

I starve my two dogs to see what transpires; first day: tail-wagging,
chop-licking, enzymes anticipating, confused disappointment as
I ignore bowls, lovingly I scratch, they frolic, doze, forage,
stalk, older without friskiness, gray muzzle hairs, dysplasic, I
haven't space for running though they worship walks, seem
accepting, assuming mental lapse, dozed  under coffee table and
stairs, nightly feeding: upright, tails banging, yellow one ex-
pecting heaps talks, black one rears, bodies twisting, sensing
moment by sunslant, arrival, sounds, looking over shoulder to
pull me to Friskies, I know, I understand, performing chores I
pass bowls over which they hover, greeting with soul, ca-
nine loyalty, they would kill for me, night curtains, forgiv-
ing annoyance, foraging kitchen, anticipatory postures, can
still lick hand and do not reveal disgruntlement toward hun-
ger, enjoying my cooing, perturbation by degrees, quiet all
night, day 2: frantic excitement, muscle, body weight, pro-
pulsion, I take out trash accidently kicking blue feed bowl,
pass pantry, pour milk over flakes, uncharacteristic yipping,
finish cereal, pass pantry, dress, aware an adrenaline-fueled
lethargy, drooping, one nips another, I utter reassuring
note while putting them out where crouch to pee, squat to
shit, absent all day so cannot recount behavior but imagine
dissension, antagonism, nightly feeding: usually a cup plus
biscuit: noticeable rivalry testiness, disgruntled butting,
enervation, lassitude, pork chop, salad, pintos for me, aro-
matic cooking, visibly discomposed, yellow one naughtily
rears to counter, bad dog, I shout, rap snout, amazingly tails
wag, put them out, yap, bristle, snarl at imaginary or liter-
al danger, predictable discomposure but adoring still, roam-
ing night rooms, hungry beseeching eyes, forgiving ex-
pressions, unconditional, day 3, morning feeding: oat-
meal, cream, d'anjou pear, rushing, (early meeting), ham
and cheese bag lunch, in periphery two hackled animals
competing, lapping water, pass feed bowls to back door,
out they flow shot from fire hose, viral behavior, snarling,
snapping, twisted, acids shooting, stiff withers pushing,
gnarled paws, nightly feeding: attacked each other, torn
ear, puncture wound, ripped out whole almond sized nail,
slightly bloody, shame, patchy, curled in crawl space bar-
ing, refuse helping hand, humiliated, I drag the yellow
one, heavy sack, through powdery filth, the black one
crushed into corner angry, attacking--let the games begin.

--------------

1955

You suck, you make me sick, you're disgusting, you're fat,
go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, loser, bitch, prick,
cunt, piece of shit, lunatic, Texan, nutcase, Jew, Christian,
drop dead, jump up my butt, I despise you, you ruined my
life, what of it, lunatic, charlatan, whore, I never liked the
way you fuck, ditto, brute, shrew, bastard, witch, get out
my life, happily, parasite, block of ice, go fuck yourself
you goddamn piece of misogynist garbage get out of this
house leave me fucking alone I'm outa here, I'm not
going anywhere it's my goddamn house don't delude your-
self psycho freak passive-aggressive monster get the hell
away from me, go flush your head down the toilet, better
than sticking it between your legs you taste crappy, mur-
derer, oh Jesus it's over what the hell life is over I'm cooked
I give up I don't care anymore I took a chance blew it
I thought you were it it's my fault all my fault fuck it all
I'm dead you win I'm finished, oh baby don't be so
hard on yourself you're always so bloody hard on your-
self why do loathe yourself  you can't accept any-
one's love it's like poison anyway it's not all your
fault okay honey we're both messed up, I do part of
me loves myself I'm so defensive right now I feel so I
feel  so...annihilated like a piece of shit I didn't mean what
I said all those things retaliating lashing back you know
and I didn't mean what I said earlier either I know I said
it but I didn't mean it I was hurt abandoned angry en-
raged and I lashed out at you no excuses it was childish
I'm sorry I'm really... me too I'm sorry too I'm not
exactly rational, forgive me, I'm raw, I suppose we
both are its all so sickening, I forgive you if you for-
give me, all right of course, kiss me--again--will you
fuck me I need you to fuck me here now on this
floor, I guess why not you know you're everything.

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Gordon Massman with a scientist's objectivity has mapped over twenty-one hundred slices of his psyche of which these are a few. He aspires to be the literary human genome project in hopes of revealing as fearlessly as possible aspects of the universal, as well as his own unique, male psychology.