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ust
like that. chawkalit. sweeeeeet. hmm mmm. sun’s rise.
“she’s up already.” that’s daddy says.
“since dawn.” mommy says.
“mom I don’t want to go to school.” that’s
petey. petey petey petey.
“stop that phoeberino. do you want to go
to school?”
phoebe nods with her mouth full.
“you’re a nerdhead,” he says.
phoebe stands delicately on her chair and
shouts, “school!” she jumps down, takes her bowl and hands it to her mom.
she walks into her classroom and she does
not remember her mother leaving the room. Ms. Winslow.
she is pretty. she has white hair.
“you’re pretty,” she says.
phoebe is the first girl to arrive, but the
second child. there is a boy sitting in the playpen.
she walks over to him and says, “nerdhead.”
that night she splashes in the tub.
It made the children laugh and play
laugh and play
laugh and play
It made the children laugh and play
the water is thick with bubbles and a
child’s smile.
when she lies in bed she feels hidden.
quiet. when the dreams come in the middle of the night she crawls into
bed with her brother. she hears the baby crying and she feels reassured.
because somewhere out there a baby is crying, and it is not her. she presses
against him.
“move over nerdy,” petey says. he does
not push her away.
when she wakes near dawn she dances. she
will remember waking in the middle of the night as well, years later,
when she will no longer dance, dancing in the middle of the night. somewhere
out there a baby is crying.
* * *
In the morning there is the fire that will ignite the stormthat will
never cease to burn.
In the morning there is no longer dancing
and chocolate.
No more Ms. Winslow.
No more Peter.
There is only the silence that permeates
the air and ground and snow and ice and it is no longer quiet and she
is no longer hidden and there is no one who will not push her away and
that is all she remembers although one day in a city she has never seen
those memories will be called back to her like notes in some fairytale
song whose words her mind will only then feel safe enough to utter.
It made the children laugh and play.
There is the last sign in Iowa City before
they reach the bottom of the hill and trail the river into the impossible
distance of her future. There are the brown trees across the river and
the gray pavement and the swish swish swish, which is the sound
of the trees at sixty five miles per hour and also the sound of the white
dashes that speed by beneath her backseat window. Which is also the sound
of sprinklers in the summer as they scatter their pseudo-rain on front
lawns, and then also there are the colors: green of the grass, white of
the house, yellow of the flower, red of the rose. But there is no sensation
that is the red of the rose, and green is an impossible color to tell
you the feeling of. White is ice. Red is warm. Yellow feels soft. Blue
is the feeling of bath water. Green is she does not know what. If you
close your eyes then green feels like the warmth of the sun that comes
through the leaves when you lie at the bottom of the tree.
Phoebe is certain of that. It is a pleasant
feeling and that is exactly what green feels like, with your eyes closed.
But when you open your eyes there is no green feeling.
She will attempt to bring these imagemotions
to mind years later. Years later she will attempt to feel red and white
and yellow and blue. She will attempt to uncover these buried treasures.
But there is no map and she has no key. She will cry out for the white
house, the yellow flowers and the red roses. She will cry out to feel
the water sprinkle on her skin, to feel it evaporate in the lazy heat,
to feel her brother push against her chest, to feel him push her closer.
To feel anything. She will scream out to feel the warmth of the sun as
it passes through the leaves when she lies at the bottom of the tree.
Because the swish swish swish is also the sound and emotion of
the wind as it brushes softly through the leaves of old trees, and of
tall stalks of grass, and of October storms that scatter rain like dark
blue stones upon her windowpane. She will die to feel anything. Anything
at all. But she will only feel the green that is the green with open eyes.
* * *
Mary had a little lamb,
little lamb,
little lamb.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
Everywhere that Mary went,
Mary went,
Mary went.
Everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day,
school one day,
school one day.
It followed her to school one day,
Which was against the rules.
It made the children laugh and play,
laugh and play,
laugh and play.
It made the children laugh and play,
To see a lamb at school.
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice,
And everything nice,
That’s what little girls are made of.
* * *
The road slowly creeps over the horizon. At first there is the dull cement.
It transforms itself into a glittering sheen, quicksilver and then blackness.
It becomes invisible. Over the horizon. Where the rest of her life sleeps.
Where it is already dawn.
She has never understood the world more
clearly. The truth is, the world is a turtle.
When had she first become aware of the
world? It was either the first day the sun set, which is her fondest memory
of her father, of red October, or the day her teacher wrote these words
on the board:
“You”
Mrs. Gamelgarde’s 3rd Grade Class
Robert F. Kennedy Grade School
Iowa City
Iowa City County
Iowa
USA
North America
The World
The Milky Way
The Universe
And things had only spiraled out of control.
When had the world become so complicated? What happens when you say “Iowa”
five times quickly in succession? It could be learned to be done. Anything
could be learned. Except for nerdheads. What is after that? The Universe.
Her teacher says the universe is everything. Imagine a box and all the
universe is inside. Remove the top of the box. Now remove the bottom of
the box. Remove the sides one by one. All the galaxies are floating inside.
Everything plus a little more. Plus a little more. Plus more.
Looking at pictures the earth is water.
Blue green. Aqua. It’s a color, too. And that is good. That it’s a color
too, because Phoebe has never seen so much water. She has seen the Iowa
River, and that’s more water than she can count. She cannot swim. She
has never seen the water.
Now as the highway and the future and the
blue green ocean lie invisible beyond the horizon she tries to place herself
in this traveling world. It is easiest to believe the world is a turtle
and everything that happens in the world takes place upon one small square
of the turtle’s mighty scute.
Phoebe Raine Ford
The Highway
“Where are we?”
“In Ohio.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know. Peter will you? Yes. What
exit is that? Do you have to go hon?”
“No.”
Ohio State
“Are we still in the USA?” she asks.
“Of course.”
USA
“Are we still in the world?”
She knows the answer to this question,
but it is the first time her mother speaks without crying in days and
this is cause for conversation. To say anything. Anything at all. Because
somewhere out there her mother is crying.
The Turtle.
The Box Without a Top, a Bottom, or Sides.
But this picture of the universe is sad.
Startlingly. It is so sad that Phoebe quietly cries into the McDonalds
napkin on which she has written her place in the Box Without a Top, a
Bottom, or Sides. It is her turn, now, to cry. It is her turn now and
her mother and Peter listen quietly in the front seats.
Because the world is a turtle, and she
is riding on its mighty back. Because if the world is a blue green ocean
she will drown. And if the universe is a Box Without a Top, a Bottom,
or Sides, she will fall right through the bottom. She will fall right
through and never stop falling.
* * *
She will dance through various notions of RightWrong.
GoodBad.
LightDark.
She will see her own theories melt like
spring snow, slowly beneath a sun of criticism. Things like Justice, which
she is told is Only A Point of View. A POV. A Prisoner Of Vision.
Or Truth.
She will develop a sense of Infallibility,
since everything is a Person On Vacation, there is no RiskyWilliam. No
GeorgeBernard. No LemonDrop. No reason to claim the upperhand. There is
no moral highground. But as the sun draws near of sixteen years there
develops a Law of Consequence. It is certain that this will happen if
that happens. If… then. And Phoebe supplies this new sentence structure
everywhere.
If x, then y.
If I go shopping, then I will buy a dress.
If I buy a dress, I will wear a dress.
If I wear the dress, I will look good.
Therefore, if I go shopping I will look
good.
You may supply your own xs and ys.
If I x, then I will y. Or, should I x,
in order to y. In order to y, I may x.
Could. May. Might. Should.
The possibilities are endless.
Possibilities.
There are new days.
The first to notice the infuriating and
ceaseless use of Phoebe’s new logic is Mr. Riordan. Trigonometron Extraordinaire.
He notices and comprehends. It is logic, the only thing he has ever understood.
It is clean, neat, and simple. It applies to everything. Even women. Even
the sky. He nurtures it. He uses it. He begins class with the sentence,
If we do x, we can expect y. He focuses this logical schema in the language
of squares and triangles, gnomon and perpendicular. In mathematics. The
Universal Language.
And he waits. Quietly. Serenely. Without
seeming to. He waits for the day that she will arrive in his windowless,
grey world and supply color. Red. White. Yellow. Blue. The fall passes
into winter, and each unknowingly stares out their windows at sundown
and wonders what would happen if they did x. Y is the future. The Indefinite.
And it is written in The Useless Logic.
The second to notice is Jordan. He does
not know anything about the Law of Consequence. He does not know that
If x, then y. But Jordan notices the consequences of the Law of Consequence.
Phoebe sits up straight in school. Phoebe’s grey eyes are bright. Sparkling.
Phoebe smiles. Phoebe has color. Phoebe smiles. Phoebe stands behind school
in the sunlight, smoking cigarettes, telling jokes, smiling. Phoebe appears
at night, for him and with others, privately and publicly, but always
alone. And he notices that none of the other guys seem to notice. And
he slowly gravitates towards her, like a flower to the sun. Like yellow
to gold. He follows her to class and watches her eat, like a shadow or
a ghost that longs for life. That longs for What Is Missing.
And he waits. Quietly. Serenely. Without
seeming to. He waits for the day she will catch him in the hall, bump
into him on the street, at night, or in the meadow, and supply Meaning.
And she is written in a language of rhythm, rhyme and reason. Rivers Running
Rapidly.
When winter break is over she returns up
Broadway. She rides the M7. The city is covered by spiderweb clouds. Silent
and bleak. As if great spiders rule the world and everyone is trapped
in their web. And who or what are the spiders? Something has been tugging
at the strings in her heart. Strings she did not know she had. Strings
attached to the buildings and the clouds, disappearing violably into the
grey sky. And what is most troubling is the sudden, inexplicable knowledge
that the strings are attached to I Don’t Know What. That they or he or
it is a consequence without any If. A y with no x.
She has seen his form, like a stranger
who materializes day after day on the same train. Watching her in silence.
A stranger in the new year rain. Below her window. At the back of her
mind. In her dreams. With no face. And he is a consequence of I Don’t
Know What. And she longs to see his face and she longs to never see his
face again.
When she returns to the familiar world
of parallels that never meet until the universe ends, and the school is
busy and loud, and everyone has familiar stories, and she sees friendly,
familiar faces, and hears nurturing, familiar lectures, she feels alone,
more alone than ever. And her thoughts return again and again to the familiar
stranger standing in the rain. Like a guard on duty. Like a guardian angel
without snowwhite fleece.
At the end of the day she goes to his office.
And there he is. Waiting. Quietly. Closed in by cement bricks painted
grey. Hunched over symbols that rise off the page like steam and vanish
in the suddenly frigid air. Without seeming to.
“Mr. Riordan?”
“Yes Phoebe.”
“I was wondering if we might talk about
something. It’s hard to explain. Because I’m looking for something. A
book or something. But I don’t know where to find it.”
“What are you looking for?” he says.
She takes a seat facing him and he leans
down to her. Places his elbows on his knees, and smiles without meaning
to.
“The thing is. I don’t know.”
They discuss the things it is impossible
to say and say nothing. Nothing at all. He fractures the silence within
her with grand pronouncements about the importance of matching equations.
Two sides of the same thing. Like reflections or mirror images. Words
that smash through painted glass portraits, that shatter the delicate
temple within her. He paints pictures of the world with symbols like π
and Σ;. He’s got poetry written in the language of the Definite,
and she feels increasingly Uncertain. Where do they pass? When is the
moment, after so much is said, that they no longer communicate? Neither
can say. To speak and say nothing. For all she knows he could be speaking
German. The truth is she has no idea. She cannot even place the symbols
in her head. They drip out of her like tears. When his mouth opens and
his tongue moves up and down, click click like a duck, and she hears nothing
besides the grey noise that reverberates through this prison of logic.
From Which There Is No Escape. And yet that, THAT, inandofitself, is not
the predicament. She longs for a prison. Some kind of prison. Even a prison
of consequence. But there is no prison here. Because his words are not
bars, but hot air. Because she could walk through his words and feel nothing.
Not even his shadow. And there is no color and he offers no reasons.
She blames herself, thanking him profusely
for his time, and steps outside his office. She closes the door to trap
the symbols inside, lest they escape with her, follow her home, and stand
outside her window in the rain.
And he knows what he cannot say that they
did not communicate. It is his fault. She came to him for help, and he
wanted to help her. He wanted so badly to help her. And then he wonders
what he wanted. He leans back in his wood chair and stares at the grey
wall. He stares at the grey wall until he does not know when.
Suddenly he stands and throws open his
door and looks into the hallway and catches her turning the corner at
the end of the hall.
“Phoebe!” he calls.
Phoebe stands rigid. Someone’s toy soldier.
Mr. Riordan walks over to her slowly, then
quickly, then slowly again. He’s open and exposed; she sees through his
mathematics so easily. So easily he wonders.
“I just wanted to say,” he begins. “That
I’m sorry. I don’t think I answered your question. So, here. I wanted
you to take a look at this.”
He holds out a book for her. Introduction
to Logic. Third Edition.
“I’ve scribbled some notes in there, but
that shouldn’t make too much of a difference. Just, look it over. Just.
Let me know what you think. I think it might help.”
She stares back. At his grey suit, one
of only three he ever wears. She has his scent now. She could follow him
through a moonless night. He could never hide from her. Never in a million
years. She could destroy him as easily as she wants to, or delay it. She
could torture him. And he would beg for more. That acrid scent of want
and desperation. The scent that clings to you when you’ve been standing
in the rain. In the dark. Without snowwhite fleece.
Phoebe nods and takes the book. “I’ll look
at it,” she says.
She walks away.
He stands in the orange hallway watching
her walk away, and he knows he’s been betrayed. Like he’s standing in
the rain. Silent. Between the worlds of Definite and Indefinite. And he
has no language to describe what he feels.
* * *
The night is thick with smoke and steam
Smoke and steam
Smoke and steam
The night is thick with smoke and steam
And Phoebe’s white as snow.
And wherever that Miss Phoebe goes
Miss Phoebe goes
Miss Phoebe goes
And wherever that Miss Phoebe goes
Miss Phoebe’s sure to go.
This doesn’t make any sense
Any sense
Any sense
No this does not make any sense at all
but this is what she sings.
She doesn’t know why she sings this
Why she sings this
Why she sings this
She doesn’t know why she sings this
She sings it anyway
She rides the bus all down Broadway
All down Broadway
All down Broadway
She rides the bus all down Broadway
She sings the whole long ride
And when she gets out at sixty-second street
At sixty-second street
At sixty-second street
And when she gets out at sixty-second street
She immediately starts to cry.
Cause something’s wrong insider her heart
She doesn’t know
She doesn’t know
She doesn’t know
She doesn’t know.
He’s standing in the little park
The little park
The little park
He’s standing in the little park
He’s walking over to her.
They sit down in the little park
The little park
The little park
They sit down in the little park
That is behind her building.
She doesn’t know why she can’t stop
Why she can’t stop
Why she can’t stop
She doesn’t know why she can’t stop
Stop crying or this song.
* * *
Jordan finally speaks. Words like soft rain. Rain with snowwhite fleece.
Soft. Warm. Necessary. Certain.
Hard. Hot. Perfect. Warm.
* * *
They lie in bed and listen to the radiator banging sporadically. They
lie on their backs and stare up at the ceiling. The elemental fabric of
the song of the city echoes through the open window. The twinkling city
lights reflect through the wood shades. Their thoughts mingle with each
other in the quiet distance. Which is a field of imagination. Which is
where they sleep, wrapped in warm breezes and each other’s dreams.
They wake throughout the night and she
rubs her fingers across his chest. He pulls her hair and wraps it around
his fingers.
“How long have you been watching me?” she
says.
“Not long.”
“Since when?”
“Mmmm. October I guess.”
“October?”
“I guess.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything to me?”
“I don’t know.”
She waits in silence and finally says,
“Was that you? In the street? In November?”
“Yes.” Definite. Certain.
“In December?”
“Mmh-hmm.”
“Why did you stop?”
“Did you see me?”
“Not clearly.”
“It got too cold.”
“You followed me to school.”
“Sometimes.”
“And home?”
“No. I waited in the park. And then… .”
“Yes.”
“And then I’d go home.”
All of his words ring with chimes. They
tinkle in the cool air. They dance like leaves. Like little girls who
wake in the middle of the night. And she falls into him. She falls into
him like a stone into a pool. Into an ocean, and she has learned to breathe
underwater. There is no doubt and no fear and no pain. There are no strings
in her heart. There are no strangers in the rain.
“I know a spell,” Jordan says in the morning.
He is standing naked by the window smoking a cigarette. He is rail thin
and tall with shaggy hair. His movements precise. Determined. Certain.
* * *
“In school one day I took a hair from your shoulder. You didn’t notice.
I wrapped it around my finger and I tied it in a knot. Tying a knot with
a single strand of hair on your own finger is not easy. My finger got
all purple. I left it there for days.”
* * *
When the future arrives it is not what she imagines. It is what she believes.
It is what she knows. What she determines. It is festooned with little
flowers that thrive on laughter and happiness. And anything that does
not wholly commit itself to this is foreign. Outside. Unrecognizable.
Not Worth My Time.
Jordan reads to her. She believes: In
the mountains, there you feel free. She discovers the magic of a
blank page. Rivaled only by the magic of symbols that fall from her like
tears. Fall on a page and remain there. Things That Remain. That’s the
important thing.
But when he leaves it is not only Jordan
that throws the world apart, that opens the Box without a Top, A Bottom,
or Sides, but everything that will not stay upon the page. The letters
vanish and the words rise in semiotic vapor, scatter in the autumn, dispersed
like so many leaves that once danced in the breeze. The magic of language
was an illusion. It will not remain. It Is Outside. Unrecognizable. Not
Worth My Time. And she wonders, Why did things turn out this way? Was
there another way things could have turned out?
No. She knows the answer is a resounding
NO.
She had held on so tight she had not seen
the future coming. Beyond the horizon. Beyond the quicksilver. And when
it arrived she was unprepared. Startlingly unprepared.
Jordan’s sporadic visits to the city push
them farther apart, as much as he pulls her closer. She begins to ascend,
as if the world rained upsidedown.
This is the way the world is.
This is the way the world is.
This is the way the world is.
Not with a bang but a whisper.
And the whisper is the silence of the
night. The loneliness. The abandon. The greedy fog that invades her. She
stares at the other freshmen at NYU and thinks, Who are these people?
What am I doing here? I, who once rode the mighty scute of the turtle-world
and survived the acid rain. The rain of abandon and sorrow. I, the chalice
of strangers in the rain.
And so the future rains upsidedown with
all its mighty indifference.
* * *
She stands in front of the New York Art League with her portfolio in
her sweaty palm. Her portraits are crude and flat, but they are recognizable.
There is a magic in her lines that meet where the universe ends. In her
eyes that speak without mouths. In her wet mouths that call without words.
In her gestures that reach without grasping. They remain on the page.
Full of want and desperation. Characters in a world between the Definite
and the Uncertain. Prisoners Of Vision. They appear in the rain and the
dark. Snowfleeced angels. In a world that rains upsidedown. |
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