ate August and finally free. Day camp done, closets cleaned, horse corrals painted with creosote. We don't come home until dark and the horses are sweaty and our moms yell Dinner and our dads yell Don't bring the horses in hot, dammit.
     I pull hard on Zeke's reins. It really is dangerous for him to stay this hot. I blanket him so he doesn't get chilled and sick, then I pull three cherry plums from the tree and eat them and smear the pits on my lips so my mom can't tell I've been smoking and kissing. I can barely see the back of the house in the gray.

* * *

Most days we ride in a pack to hang out with Tanner, the old patrolman who parks on the road leading to the private school. None of us goes to this school; it is for people from other countries and rich Catholics. When September comes we will make fun of the students in their uniforms; we will tease them and chase them on our horses and shock them with our dirty mouths. Now, in summer, the girls are safe at home and there is nothing for Tanner to protect. He passes the day parked under the redwood tree by the 15mph sign, reading The National Enquirer and The Star, and nonfiction library books, hard and blue with numbers and decimal points on the spine. There is a family of quails living in his car and today I go alone because of them.
      I'm wearing the orange backpack my mom got me even though I'm supposed to save it for the first day of fifth grade. In it I have my dog-chewed Gumby, two grape-scented erasers, a broken red transistor, and the giant Tootsie Roll Liz Welch gave me for my birthday. I coast down the hill, left leg standing on the serrated pedal and right leg in an arabesque behind me. Then I sit hard on the sparkly yellow banana seat and skid in front of Tanner's patrol car.
      “ Well hel-lo Trina!” Tanner says “hello” like it's two words; it marches out of his mouth like the start of a parade. He has a bulbous red nose and his face is thick, harmless, and vague, with watery blue old-man eyes and bushy hair sprouting out of his nostrils and ears, gray and soft.
      “Hey. Well I brought all my best stuff. Maybe will you trade me for a quail? I even brought my Gumby.” I pull out Gumby, holding him by the leg so Tanner can't see that my dog has amputated him from the knee down.
      Tanner laughs and says, “Now Trina, these are very nice, but your mom wouldn't let you bring home a bird and you know it.” He says this slowly and with a smile, then gets out of his car with some effort.
      I can smell his old man smell, like the bundles of newspapers we kept in the barn. His uniform is dull blue and too hot for summer. In the trunk he keeps peanut brittle for us and I know he's going to give me some but I pretend to be surprised when he does. I say thanks and put my backpack on and ride home on my purple dirt bike, the only one around with a banana seat.

* * *

After dinner I hang out on our dead end street; in summer it becomes our “circle”— even our moms and dads call it that. I'm the youngest girl; there are two other girls and four boys. The other girls are twelve and thirteen, and Pammy the twelve year old has breasts already, real ones that you can see in her elastic tube tops. Sometimes Tom, he's thirteen, pulls down her top and we all see her squirmy white breasts and she screams and giggles too and we all know she likes Tom—that's why she lets him do it. Tom never does it to me or Laurie, the other girl. We don't have real breasts yet.
      Tonight we light firecrackers. I'm scared of matches so what I do is drop the book when I'm supposed to light and Tom gets mad and takes it from me. Pammy, Laurie, and I ride away to the buckeye tree and Pammy tells us that Tom did third base to her. Laurie and I say no way and I try to remember if third is above or below the waist. I know other people who have gone to third but they're usually going together. We all mess around in summer but we'd never go with each other because we know each other. I wonder if Pammy minds doing that with Tom. She acts like it was a drag but her voice is bright and she laughs loud the rest of the night.

* * *

I mess around sometimes with Tom's brother who's eleven, and sometimes with Aaron who is ten. JP is also thirteen years old but he's not like Tom. Tom isn't too nice to JP, because he thinks JP tells on us and that's why we get caught sometimes for smoking or having beer. I like JP, but I never tell anyone that. Tom's brother isn't bad and I like kissing Aaron but he tells me I hug too hard. When we kiss, Aaron tells me to lean against a tree “so we can make out like teenagers.” Laurie, JP, and Tom are the only real teenagers I've seen make out and I've never seen them lean against a tree.
      Today I'm with Aaron and we're in the shady dry creek making out and smoking and I try not to hug too hard. Taylor, Aaron's little brother, sneaks up on us and Aaron throws a rock at him and misses. I hate when boys get upset at people for interrupting. I really don't care if we have to stop and it embarrasses me when they get all mad about it. Aaron and I bury the cigarette butts then get on our bikes to go visit Tanner, Taylor trailing behind.

* * *

When we were little, like five years old, we'd ride around on our big wheels and practice acrobatics on them. For instance Tom would drive and I would sit on his shoulders and Laurie would stand behind us and do an arabesque or even a handstand. She is the best at gymnastics. We'd get really good at a trick then we'd ride to Tanner's car and show him. He would clap and we'd ask if he wanted to see it again and he said no, he said My heart can't take it. I worry you kids will break your heads open. After, he'd give us peanut brittle or sucking candies, like butterscotch, and we'd show him a little more, but nothing as dangerous as the tricks. We only did those once. We thought it was bad luck to do them twice and I was secretly relieved when Tanner said he didn't want to see them again.
      Our parents trust us more on the horses than they did on the big wheels. We really don't care if we break things or not so we didn’t take care of our big wheels, or of ourselves while we rode them. Horses are different though; they're not just things. We used to try to blow up just about every thing we could find. Tom tried to blow up insects too, with magnifying lenses or gasoline. I would cry and cover the ants or roly-poly bugs with my entire body. JP would help me stop Tom, which is why I love him.

* * *

We rock back and forth on our dirt bikes and practice wheelies in front of Tanner. Taylor catches up with us finally, sweaty and smelling wormy like a little boy. Behind us he sings, “Trina and Aaron, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I—” and Aaron turns around and whacks him.
      “Hey now, none of that.” Tanner will let us do or say just about anything as long as we don't hit or tease each other. He says he doesn't like to see us hurt each other—that it makes him sad. I'm glad Aaron stopped Taylor though because I don't like to be reminded of kissing Aaron. It makes me feel disloyal to JP. If JP would kiss me, I wouldn't have to kiss Aaron. Maybe he thinks I'm too young.

* * *

It's dusk, diffused in its summer way, and I'm high up on the ridge looking down into the hollow where I live. Zeke is smooth fur under me, between my thighs, strong and solid. We gallop home to beat the dark and mosquitoes and I tuck my dirty bare feet in the place where his front legs meet his chest, where it's warm and steamy and soft. My toes get squeezed as his legs pump, hooves pounding packed dirt.
      When I ride alone I think about JP, wishing he were with me. I imagine how I'd look to him now. He’d see me all tangly brown hair blowing behind, thin strong legs hanging loose, no need to grip. I've ridden all my life; my balance is perfect, natural. If JP saw me ride alone he would love me; he would ask me to be his girlfriend and if I asked him, he'd beat up Tom to defend the helpless insects. When we all ride together, I am not beautiful; I am scrawny and raw. My chest is flat and Pammy's boobs bounce in her tube top and she rides with her left hand, holds her top in place with the right.
      I lean to his left ear, “Hurry boy, they're close behind, let's go.” I am an Indian Princess atop a wild strong stallion; the cowboys are just behind us and we've got to get back to the village before we get shot. I am on the Pony Express, delivering mail, trying to beat the storm coming in.

* * *

“I bet she’s a slut, a scum, a sleaze. I bet she weighs two hundred pounds and chews tobacco.” Tom went all the way with a girl he met at the horse show he went to with his parents. Her name was Teddi, “with an ‘i’,” and Tom says she was sixteen and her breasts were as big as JP’s mom’s. Pammy is crying and Laurie and I want her to feel better so we make up mean things about Teddi, and soon Pammy is laughing.
      I try to picture what going all the way looks like, try to picture Tom doing it. I can’t see why a sixteen year old would want to do it with him. Maybe he lied and said he was sixteen too.
      Then Laurie says maybe Pammy should tell Tom she'll do it with him; maybe then he'll ask her to go. Pammy cries again, harder than before, and Laurie says sorry. I tell Laurie she has a big mouth and I get on my purple bike and ride home.
      Late that night, before I fall asleep, I think about going all the way with JP and decide I'll do it with him once I turn thirteen, if I have real breasts by then. I wouldn't want him to be disappointed.

* * *

I'm over at Tom's, and he and Aaron have locked me in the musty trailer. Tom gets real close and says, “Can we fuck you?” I shake my head no.
      “Can we finger fuck you?” I say, no, sorry. I ask if I can leave. He says no and then opens the trailer door and the sun is blurry hot on my head.

* * *

Fifth grade is starting soon and I'll be going to school for the first time without JP. He'll be starting high school; he skipped a grade. Tom will be in eighth grade. I wish it were the reverse; if I went to school with just JP and not Tom, maybe things would be different. I could have him to myself, without Tom pushing and pulling us.
      These last lukewarm days before school starts we hang out on the far side of Big Hill. There are canopies of oaks, old barbed wire fences, and mossy blue rocks. We smoke Kool cigarettes and start little fires in the grass that we stamp out. It's slow here; the sky is high and hazy. There is little to do. Even the wind is still; even Tom is quiet. I can't tell if I feel completely right, or like I'm in the wrong body. They're so close I can't tell them apart. I try to feel just perfect, take a drag on my Kool and shut my eyes.

* * *

Pammy and Laurie are shopping for back-to-school clothes with their moms. I am bored and dusty under the oaks with Tom, JP, and Aaron. “I bet Trina's gonna get bigger tits than Pammy.” Tom says this as a prediction, and a dare.
      “Really.” For some reason this thrills me.
      JP looks down and I wonder if he agrees with Tom. If I had big breasts JP would be the first I'd show them to.
      “Nah,” laughs Aaron, “Her mom doesn't have them at all.”
      I give him my best fuck-off look and take a drag, hand shaking and I'm not sure why. I wonder if Teddi really had bigger boobs than JP's mom, and if Tom really saw them.
      JP throws small blue rocks at a far away tree and I wish he would sit next to me, tell Tom and Aaron to shut up, say that he's my boyfriend and we're gonna get married and I'll have big breasts one day.
      “Hey Trina, let's see your tits.” Tom stands up and hands his cigarette to Aaron and he really does come towards me, he's coming towards me.
      Aaron cracks up. “She doesn't have any, dork.”
      “Maybe she's hiding them somewhere, huh Trina?”
      I laugh, I think that this must be how he got Teddi to make out with him; it was a dare. Pammy wouldn't like it if she knew how Tom was joking with me, but I'm glad he's being like this.
      Then he comes so close to me that I'm sure he's gonna kiss me. I'm sorry Pammy, I think. Tom likes me. I wish it were JP doing this, but maybe this will give him ideas. He's still throwing rocks, rhythmic and slow. But Tom doesn't kiss me. He pulls my t-shirt up and I push him away and he slaps me hard on the cheek.
      “You're right, she doesn't have any.” Tom laughs and stares at me.
      Aaron comes and sits in the rocky dirt on the other side of me and he and Tom look shy for a moment. Aaron kisses me on the cheek. Tom pulls my shirt up, slow, and I look at JP, waiting for a signal. He's still blank and busy with rocks. Ummmnn. It comes out high and whiny, and I sound scared but don't feel it yet. A horrible picture of Zeke, sliding down a hill towards rusty barbed wire, eyes white with fear, comes slow out of nowhere.
      Four hands push me back and there are sharp rocks and dry prickly weeds. Tom kisses me hard—it hurts—and Aaron just holds my arms tight and I wonder Is this what Teddi did? I look for JP but can't see him clear; he is distorted and distant. There is the dirty tinny taste of Tom's fingers, his hands tangy and hot over my mouth. To my right is a lizard. I can see his eyes and he doesn't blink. My dog Jessie barks far away, down the other side of the hill, at my house. I think, As long as the lizard doesn't move, as long as my dog keeps barking, I'll be fine. There could be a waterfall, with a four-story high feather standing next to it. And it wouldn't move, it would be still and clear, and I will be still and clear and fine.

* * *

Soon it's Labor Day, and the last weekend before school. Tom hasn't really talked to me yet and JP hasn't been hanging out. We spend most of the time on our horses and with Tanner. Once school starts he'll be busy patrolling the roads, protecting the rich Catholic girls. I wonder what it would be like to go to school there, to be a girl like that.
      I want to be alone with Tanner; I want to ask him why JP isn't hanging out. I ride to his car and he gives me peanut brittle right away and asks me how I feel about school starting. I can't think of how I feel or what I want to say. I want to ask why Tom isn't talking to me and why I cry hot tears when I wake in the morning. I want to ask when it will be autumn, with cold clean sunlight.
      Tanner is reading a library book on acupressure—it's like acupuncture without needles. He says if you press certain places on your feet and hands, you can fix any part of your body. He says the cloudy spots in his eyes are getting clearer because he has been pinching his little toes several times a day. I can't decide if I believe him or not. Laurie says she thinks he's nuts, that he's old and senile, that he calls his quails his children.

* * *

It's the end of the second week of school when I go with my parents to meet with the counselor. In her hot yellow office with two small high windows she asks me to play with these dolls, and I think she's crazy. I hate dolls. One of the dolls has solid green eyes and I pinch her little toes to make them clear. The counselor asks what I'm doing and I tell her about acupressure and how Tanner's eyes are clearing up.

* * *

Tom says Tanner is crazy anyway, that they wanted to fire him a long time ago but they felt sorry for him. When we go hang out with him now he is much more quiet and doesn't give us candy. When I ask my mom why Tanner is getting a new job, she looks at me strange. I tell her I'll miss him and she looks like she's going to cry.
      I try to hang out more with JP but he is distant to me. I wonder if he's mad. I love JP so much and I wish he could take me to high school with him so I wouldn't have to see Tom and Aaron and Laurie and Pammy anymore.
      Friday after school I ride Zeke over to Tanner's car and ask him what to do about dizzy headaches. I need to ask before he goes. I tell him how much my head hurts. I know, I know, he nods. He shows me a picture in his library book, a diagram of a hand, and instructs me to press on the area between my thumb and pointer finger. He doesn't offer me peanut brittle.

* * *

After the Halloween parade at our school, Tom and Pammy and I ride around the Catholic school roads. I stop at the patrol car to show Tanner my zebra costume. I knock on the driver's window and a man with a blond mustache smiles up from his newspaper. Tanner hasn't been here for almost two months, but somehow I thought he'd be here today to see the costume I'd been planning since summer. I try to get away but my foot slips on the pedal and I fall hard on the asphalt. My knee hurts dull and deep and I drag my bike off the road and bite my sparkling yellow seat and whisper for Tom and Pammy to go home. My throat hurts and then I'm sobbing Jessie Jessie c’mere puppy.
      Pammy helps me pick up my bike and I stop crying for a minute but then I realize JP might never marry me. He might find a polite, shiny-haired high school girl to like. I wonder if he thinks Tanner is crazy. I decide to go to his house and wait for him to come home from high school and ask him. I picture JP standing with his pretty new girlfriend, his thin face nodding Yes, he is crazy Trina.
      Tom is impatient with my warm messy tears. He calls me a baby.
      Shut up shut up shut up. This thin voice of mine hangs and hesitates; now I stop crying and turn from Tom. My head pounds, pulses, spins dizzy-hot. I give a tight pinch to the web of my thumb and forefinger, then pedal hard uphill on my purple dirt bike, waiting for Tanner's trick to work.