MALKMUS

“You shaved,” Kevin Sampsell says to me.

“Yup,” I say.

“Looks good, O’Grady.”

“Thanks.”

“Now you just need to cut that hair.”

“Pavement?” I say. “Pavement reference?”

“Cut that hair.”

“Can I leave you with a thought?”

“Yeah,” he says.

“Chinese people don’t like beards.”

“Is that why you shaved? Are you trying to meet a Chinese chick?”

“Chinese people don’t like beards,” I say. “It was Greg Higgins, I believe, who said whatever you do, don’t grow a beard. A beard is the earmark of failure.”

“Give me a call this week.”

“I will.”

PRANK-CALLING KEVIN SAMPSELL

--Hello?

--[Muffled.] Got any gay porn?

--Uh...yeah.

--[Muffled.] What are you wearing?

--Cowboy shirt, red socks, g-string...

--[Muffled.] Rawhide, boah?

--Rawhide.

--[Click.]

MODEST MOUSE
AND SPECIAL GUESTS
CRYSTAL BALLROOM
ALL AGES * DOOR 8PM
SAT APR 10, 2004 9:00PM

“Tickets?” a guy asks.

“Yeah,” I say. “Modest Mouse.”

“Have ‘em or need ‘em?”

“Need ‘em.”

“How many?”

“One.”

“Forty bucks.”

OH...

Field called for you.

Mrs. Field? Cookies?

No, not cookies. Not Mrs. Field’s Cookies. You’re thinking of the mall. Sally...

Sally Field?

Yes.

What did she say?

She said she was wondering if you think in the rest of your life you’ll ever go through a Burt Reynolds phase.

What did you say?

I said how will he know when he’s into it?

What did she say?

When he can’t get out of it.