{"id":3807,"date":"2013-02-28T03:42:02","date_gmt":"2013-02-28T03:42:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sporkpress.com\/?p=3807"},"modified":"2013-02-28T03:42:02","modified_gmt":"2013-02-28T03:42:02","slug":"levi-drives-cooper-to-the-night-market-by-josh-spilker","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/2013\/02\/28\/levi-drives-cooper-to-the-night-market-by-josh-spilker\/","title":{"rendered":"Levi Drives Cooper to the Night Market by Josh Spilker"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cYeah, you never know, right? But get this, one time I\u2019m working at the Starbucks supercutting these crash videos together,\u201d Levi said.
\n     \u201cWhat,\u201d Cooper said. Levi and Cooper are in Levi\u2019s 2002 Toyota Tercel. Levi is driving.
\n     \u201cLike major wrecks and stuff. And these women were walking by, I\u2019m not sure where to, they were in the parking lot, and I\u2019m like looking out the window at them, and I can see they have like matching blankets and everything on their kids, and they might be related, and sure enough they start talking to one another, and one goes in her diaper bag or whatever sitting in the stroller and pulls out a vitamin case and then the other one like undoes the blanket on the stroller and I\u2019m like \u2018oh they\u2019re like cousins or something,\u2019 but she pulls out a baby pig. The pig was riding in the stroller.\u201d
\n     \u201cWhat,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cFor sure, and I\u2019m thinking \u2018does the other one have a pig?\u2019 But no she pulls off the blanket, and it\u2019s just a baby, like I guess a normal American-suburban-good-school-district baby, and then the mother with the baby, not the pig, the human baby, takes out a bottle and shakes it up and the mother with the pig hands her a packet, i-dee-kay like formula or something and she dumps it into the bottle and shakes it up. Then she takes the bottle nipple and puts in the baby kid\u2019s mouth. Meanwhile the baby pig is like on the other woman\u2019s shoulder, and she\u2019s trying to get it to stop crying and the pig is just looking at me, like it\u2019s boring into me you know.\u201d
\n     \u201cLaser beams, maybe,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cI think it yawns or something, but it really doesn\u2019t care. Then the woman with the human baby, you know the woman with the bottle, she takes the bottle out of her kid\u2019s mouth and like wipes the bottle on her shirt sleeve,\u201d Levi said.
\n     \u201cNo, tell me, tell me, wait she gives it to the other woman, say it, say it, go on, yes,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cYou know it! But no! No, see, the woman doesn\u2019t put the bottle in the pig\u2019s mouth, she pulls up her shirt.\u201d
\n     \u201cWhoa, whoa,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cYeah, so she takes the pig off her shoulder and then is like cradling the pig and is like breastfeeding her. For real! For real! I\u2019m not lying,\u201d Levi said.
\n     \u201cYou\u2019re lying!\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cI\u2019m not I swear, I swear. This is disgusting. I\u2019m like editing all these crazy crash videos of people dying and everything and this is the most grossed out I\u2019ve ever been, probably.\u201d
\n     \u201cThere\u2019s no way, no way,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cYes,\u201d Levi said. \u201cBut then get this.\u201d Levi exits off the highway. They see a sign that says Welcome to Duluth.
\n     \u201cThis lady is suckling this pig, you know, from her body. And I\u2019m disgusted. Just grossed out. I look around to see if anyone else is watching this, but everyone has their earbuds in staring forward into pixilated screen mush. I sip coffee or water or something and turn back to the computer screen, pulling up another video. But then I hear this berserk tire squeal and look up to see this orange Bentley.\u201d
\n     \u201cCome on, an orange Bentley?\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cYes, orange Bentley,\u201d Levi said.
\n     \u201cThere\u2019s no such thing,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cI-dee-kay, I guess he had it custom painted or whatever, but this orange Bentley is there and this guy hops out. Doesn\u2019t park or anything, is totally blocking the parking lot thoroughfare. But he is waving his arms.\u201d
\n     Cooper watches Levi as he waves his arms violently.
\n     \u201cHe comes up and gets right in the face of the woman with the kid, I mean like finger in her face, two inches from her nose and the baby starts crying and it\u2019s a mess,\u201d Levi said.
\nLevi stops for a second and looks out the window. They stop at a light.
\n     \u201cI don\u2019t know what he\u2019s yelling, I can just hear the general commotion, well now, after all this screeching, people in Starbucks look up.\u201d
\n     Levi takes a breath.
\n     \u201cBut then this guy.\u201d
\n     \u201cWhat\u2019s this man look like?\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cHe\u2019s got like a blazer on with no tie, but his pants are totally plaid and he\u2019s wearing these bright white high tops like Air Force One\u2019s or something, complete basketball shoes, but they\u2019re so white, getting out of his orange Bentley Bentley,\u201d Levi said.
\n     \u201cOk, got it got,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cBut so, okay, so he\u2019s yelling at the woman with the baby, right? Just going off on her. I don\u2019t know why, maybe these two women weren\u2019t supposed to see one another, but then he turns to the other women and then kind of starts yelling at her, but then, like he can tell something is off, I guess, but all of a sudden, the pig jumps off the woman and starts running down the parking lot. The man yells, \u2018a FUCKING PIG!\u2019 and I can hear that even. The woman with the baby is shrieking, and the woman who was breastfeeding the pig is like crying and trying to cover herself. Now, like four people are up standing in Starbucks and I move towards the door. One of the baristas, was like \u2018do not open the door. I do not want a pig in this restaurant,\u2019\u201d Levi said.
\n     \u201cYou\u2019re trapped in the restaurant?\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cRight, I know, because of some really healthy pig,\u201d Levi said.
\n     \u201cTremendous,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cThe pig is running around. Like crazy, right, and it\u2019s all over the place and the guy who was yelling, you know, he goes back to the car.\u201d
\n     \u201cThe orange Bentley,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cRight, the orange Bentley, and he reaches into a glove compartment or console and pulls out this knife, like a six inch knife.\u201d
\n     \u201cHe can\u2019t be, a butcher, can he?\u201d Cooper said.
\n     Levi laughs. \u201cEll\u2014ohh\u2014ell,\u201d Levi said. \u201cGood question, but I don\u2019t think he\u2019s a butcher, but he pulls it out and starts walking towards the Starbucks because the pig\u2014\u201d
\n     \u201cYeah, where\u2019s the pig?\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cThe pig is like huddled up between these outdoor tables at the side of the Starbucks, sort of like this side patio and the pig is huddled between a table leg and the railing, and the guy, he has the knife out, and he\u2019s walking towards the pig, his coat is waving back and forth you know, he\u2019s got this swagger to him,\u201d Levi said.
\n     \u201cAfter the pig?\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cRight, he\u2019s going after the pig, so he starts moving towards the pig, he\u2019s almost to the rail, and the woman who owns the pig I guess runs and grabs him and is like \u2018No, Marshall don\u2019t you dare, no Marshall please, please, don\u2019t,\u2019\u201d Levi said. \u201cAnd this guy behind me is like \u2018Jesus\u2019 and there\u2019s this kid in there, this kid with dirty blonde hair in a Falcons jersey and he just starts crying. The whole thing is really tense, everyone is at their wit\u2019s end, you know, wondering about this pig.\u201d
\n     \u201cRight, right,\u201d Cooper said. They were in the parking lot of some small strip center in Duluth. A faint glow surrounded an outdoor light. Cooper looked through the windshield. He saw people walking towards the building. A sign that said \u201cNight Market\u201d hung over a door. People walked under the sign. Levi clicked off the headlights to the car. The interior lights went off. Cooper and Levi were in the dark.
\n     \u201cI mean, then, the woman is grabbing at the man\u2019s jacket, really pulling at her, and still no one is walking outside, no one wants the pig to run in the restaurant, the woman is behind this guy, Marshall, I guess, and then she just dives on the ground and lunges for the pig, but Marshall he like hops over her arm and just out of her grasp, he scoops up the pig all in one motion.\u201d
\n     \u201cHe has the pig now,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cYeah, right, and this woman, I mean she\u2019s on the ground, bawling and just berserk, going ballistic, right, and Marshall, see, he takes his knife and puts it at the pig\u2019s throat and then says \u2018I\u2019m tired of this FUCKING PIG and I\u2019m tired of you hanging out with my FUCKING WIFE and I\u2019m tired of you acting like it\u2019s a kid, this is an animal, a farm animal\u2019 and \u2018please stay away from my family\u2019 and all this and he takes the knife to the pig\u2019s throat,\u201d Levi said.
\n     \u201cPeople eat pigs,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cI know Cooper, but not like this, this is all dramatic I mean people don\u2019t come to Starbucks to see pigs slaughtered. They may come to obliquely support poor wages for farmers in other countries, but anyway, so like, where was I?\u201d
\n     \u201cHe has the knife on the pig\u2019s throat, people eat pigs, you know,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cYeah, so the knife\u2019s at the pig\u2019s throat and the woman, the woman who owns the pig is like, don\u2019t hurt the pig, don\u2019t hurt the pig,\u2019 just screaming hysterically. Well, by this time, the other woman, Marshall\u2019s wife I guess, I mean remember she has a kid in a stroller, she comes up and her baby\u2019s yelling and she walks up behind Marshall and just drapes her elbow around her neck, so now she\u2019s holding him in a hold and he\u2019s holding the pig around the neck.\u201d
\n     \u201cSo many levels,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cRight, I know. Marshall\u2019s like \u2018let me go\u2019 and his wife is like \u2018don\u2019t hurt the pig\u2019 and then the other woman on the ground is like, \u2018okay, okay, I know, just don\u2019t hurt the pig, do whatever it is to me, I\u2019ll take the pig\u2019s place, just cut me, don\u2019t hurt him.\u201d
\n     \u201cWhat,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cYeah, and these two guys behind me, the one who was like \u2018Jesus\u2019 is like \u2018aw shit\u2019 and he\u2019s kind of like a bodybuilder type, you know he\u2019s wearing a black-and-white heavy t-shirt with these boots and dark pants, and this other guy is like in a suit, but is yeah this marathoner probably, you know like skinny person ripped. I\u2019m thinking \u2018am I joining with this guy?\u2019 and the kid with the Falcons jersey is just like bawling his eyes out, finally his mom, who I think was completely stunned, just goes out the back.\u201d
\n     \u201cBut anyway,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cSo yeah, she\u2019s like \u2018do it to me, if you want to hurt the pig, do it to me,\u2019 and Marshall says \u2018really\u2019 and she\u2019s like \u2018yes, God yes, just get it over with\u2019 and Marshall does like this spin move and gets away from his wife. He grabs at the woman on the ground, she\u2019s just kind of reposed, like exhausted from this whole ordeal, and he grabs her ankle and then kind of like flips the leg over to her calf.\u201d
\n     \u201cA leg man,\u201d Cooper said. \u201cBut he\u2014\u201d
\n     \u201cTotally does. He kneels down and the blade is like on her, and then finally the builder guy behind me is like \u2018bullshit\u2019 and bumrushes the door and the guy in the suit follows, the builder type like jumps Marshall from probably 15 feet away, I mean this guy had some ability and he tackles him, they roll into the tables, and the pig starts, well panicking.\u201d
\n     \u201cThe pig yelps, probably, can pigs cry?\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cDon\u2019t think so, but it\u2019s a mad scene. The woman gets cut when the bodybuilder tackles Marshall, and she\u2019s rolling holding her leg and the pig just goes and Marshall is like \u2018she told me to, she told me to\u2019 and the woman jumps at the bodybuilder guy, but the suit man from inside is like holding her back and she yells \u2018no please no let him cut me let him hurt me for the sacrifice for the pig\u2019 and all this shit and Marshall is like \u2018she told me to do it, she told me to cut her\u2019 and Marshall\u2019s wife with the kid is like kicking the bodybuilder and trying to step on his stomach, but there\u2019s a crash, the tables get pushed over on the patio. Inside, the Starbucks people are yelling \u2018everyone be quiet, everyone back up, everyone go out this other door.\u2019\u201d Levi took a breath.
\n     \u201cWhat did you decide?\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cI see the pig, he\u2019s just running and he\u2019s going to the parking lot, I think he\u2019s just trying to make it back to his stroller, and I see this, right, I get out and go out the door, they\u2019re wrestling on the patio, the cops are probably coming and I go running after the pig. The pig dives under a car, the orange Bentley actually\u2014\u201d
\n     \u201cWhat,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cI know. And I\u2019m on my back and the parking lot is wet, on the asphalt and I can feel my sweatshirt and jeans like tugging, I\u2019m gonna rip something and I\u2019m pounding on the pavement like \u2018here piggy piggy here piggy piggy\u2019 and I\u2019m like \u2018eff this\u2019 but then I realize I\u2019m standing next to an orange Bentley, I\u2019ve never seen an orange Bentley before and I\u2019m like \u2018dubba u-tee-aych\u2019 and I look in and get this, Cooper, the keys are in it.\u201d
\n     \u201cHoly.\u201d
\n     \u201cNo joke, no joke. So I\u2019m like \u2018now is the time. Right. Now is the time. If I\u2019m ever\u2019 and I sit down and start it and the door is open and I\u2019m looking out down the side and sure enough the pig like scrambles from underneath the car, but get this\u2014\u201d
\n     \u201cOkay.\u201d
\n     \u201cThe pig comes up and jumps in the car like he\u2019s been there before. Like he\u2019s totally comfortable in the orange Bentley and I\u2019m thinking \u2018uh-huh\u2019 this pig, this blazer-pig fighter woman cutter Marshall they have like this thing going on and these women this is like\u2014\u201d
\n     \u201cWhat do you do?\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cWell, like I really want to just floor it you know and like hit the two cars in front of me, but then I was like that\u2019ll suck, my computer is inside Starbucks and I don\u2019t have a lot and Chloe will get really ticked if she has to bail me out, so I just honk the horn, like really lean on it, and you know everyone stops. The pig is curled up in the passenger seat, just like about to fall asleep. I point right at the man called Marshall and say \u2018you\u2014get your fucking pig and your car, before I crash this thing\u2019 and then him and like the women they scramble over and the blazer man Marshall gets to me and I\u2019m like \u2018don\u2019t you ever come to this godforsaken Starbucks again or bring your pig sham crew again\u2019 and I\u2019m just yelling and pointing.
\n     \u201cDamn,\u201d Cooper said. \u201cYou are very confident.\u201d
\n     \u201cYeah, you know, that\u2019s the difference between you and me,\u201d Levi said. \u201cIrrational confidence guy. Now though, they like take off and I just look back at the porch and everyone is just kind of standing there and I just say \u2018alright\u2019 and then everyone just kind of starts talking and that\u2019s that.\u201d
\n     \u201cDid anyone say anything to you?\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cI mean not much, I\u2019m grabbing my computer and the bodybuilder guy comes over and is like \u2018what was that shit?\u2019 and I said \u2018I\u2019m not sure, I think it was staged, like a stunt\u2019 and we talk about it for a second and he\u2019s like \u2018he cut that woman\u2019 and I say \u2018but she asked for it\u2019 and he says \u2018literally\u2019 and we just leave.\u201d
\n     \u201cWhoa, that is unbelievable,\u201d Cooper said.
\n     \u201cI know, right,\u201d Levi said. \u201cLet\u2019s just.\u201d Levi did not finish his sentence. Levi took a deep breath. Cooper reached into the backseat. He grabbed a cookie from a Chips Ahoy package. Cooper ate the cookie. Levi belched, but neither of them knew why.
\n     
\n\u2013\u2013\u2013\u2013\u2013\u2013\u2013
\nJosh Spilker<\/strong> is a copywriter and lives in Nashville. He is the founder of I AM ALT LIT, a literary review site. He has a novella. It was published by Kuboa Press. It is called Ambient Florida Position<\/em>. Find him on twitter, @joshspilker.
\n     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cYeah, you never know, right? But get this, one time I\u2019m working at the Starbucks supercutting these crash videos together,\u201d Levi said.      \u201cWhat,\u201d Cooper said. Levi and Cooper are in Levi\u2019s 2002 Toyota Tercel. Levi is driving.      \u201cLike major wrecks and stuff. And these women were walking by, I\u2019m not sure where to, they were […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,3,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3807","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","category-fiction","category-things"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3807","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3807"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3807\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3807"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3807"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3807"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}