{"id":4303,"date":"2013-08-14T17:58:52","date_gmt":"2013-08-14T17:58:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sporkpress.com\/?p=4303"},"modified":"2013-08-14T17:58:52","modified_gmt":"2013-08-14T17:58:52","slug":"family-announcements-joke-two-stories-by-beau-golwitzer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/2013\/08\/14\/family-announcements-joke-two-stories-by-beau-golwitzer\/","title":{"rendered":"Family Announcements & Joke, Two Stories by Beau Golwitzer"},"content":{"rendered":"

     Family Announcements<\/em><\/strong>
\n     
\n     The father stood up at the dinner table one night with a look of expectation on his face. Then he sat back down. A few moments later, he stood back up. He announced, \u201cI have an announcement to make.\u201d Then he sat back down.
\n     
\n     The mother stood up. She said that she had an announcement to make. There was a look of expectation on her face. However, after a few moments, she sat back down.
\n     
\n     The son stood up, so hastily that he broke apart near his middle. The son, shocked by his sudden dismemberment, announced, \u201cIt appears I was more egg than man.\u201d
\n     
\n     The father corrected, \u201cMore eggshell than man, if the fact that there is no egg stuff running from your wound is any indication.\u201d
\n     
\n     The sister stood up, with great trepidation. \u201cIt appears,\u201d she whispered, \u201cthat there is some danger in standing up.\u201d
\n     
\n     \u201cWhat is your announcement?\u201d the father demanded.
\n     
\n     \u201cI demand to take the part of the father,\u201d the sister announced.
\n     
\n     \u201cThis means there will be some kind of duel between the father and his daughter,\u201d the mother announced. And then she died.
\n     
\n     \u201cOh, why did the mother have to die?\u201d the brother insisted. And then his head cracked in half.
\n     
\n     \u201cBrother, my brother, an eggshell, and then what are we?\u201d the sister demanded.
\n     
\n     The brother insisted his last breath without any assistance which made his life a grand success.
\n     
\n     \u201cMy son lived as he died, that is, alone and unassisted, as any man would wish.\u201d
\n     
\n     \u201cWhere will we meet, father, for this duel?\u201d the sister demanded.
\n     
\n     The father attempted to remand the daughter with the handcuffs he had procured. \u201cI am afraid you are under the arrest instead,\u201d the daughter said.
\n     
\n     So the father put the handcuffs on his own hands instead. \u201cWhatever for?\u201d the father wished aloud.
\n     
\n     \u201cFor the death of your son, for passing to him an outer shell so fragile that he fell apart before he was supposed to,\u201d the daughter said.
\n     
\n     \u201cWhat will become of me?\u201d the father said.
\n     
\n     \u201cThe term of your imprisonment will be spent inside the son\u2019s former egg shell, once what remains of him is eased from there,\u201d the daughter informed the father.
\n     
\n     \u201cThat seems only fair,\u201d the father said.
\n     
\n     The mother came back to life, briefly. \u201cWhat has gotten into me lately?\u201d she said. And then she passed again.
\n     
\n     \u201cMother,\u201d the daughter said.
\n     
\n     The mother said, \u201cYes, dear?\u201d
\n     
\n     \u201cGo to sleep.\u201d
\n     
\n     And so the mother did.
\n     
\n

\/\/\/<\/center>
\n     
\n     Joke<\/strong><\/em>
\n     
\n     At dinner one night, a man said, \u201cI have a joke to tell.\u201d
\n     
\n     His dinner companions, or associates, straightened up in their chairs.
\n     
\n     The man, sensing their attention, grew very afraid. All of a sudden his face felt warm and his hands began to shrivel up into the sleeves of his jacket, like hands suddenly dried up by lack of water.
\n     
\n     The man said, \u201cI\u2019m not sure of my joke, and I don\u2019t want to tell it.\u201d
\n     
\n     One of his dinner companions said, \u201cHe should die for this.\u201d
\n     
\n     The other dinner companions agreed.
\n     
\n     The man decided to tell his joke\u2014\u201cA moose, and then a tree, and then a fire, and then the Lord.\u201d
\n     
\n     There was silence in the room, and then one of his dinner companions said, \u201cThat is not a joke!\u201d
\n     
\n     Another dinner companion was sharpening his knife.
\n     
\n     \u201cTell a joke, tell a joke!\u201d they were shouting.
\n     
\n     The man attempted to flee, but they barred the doors. The man sat back down, but then he attempted to flee again, but they blocked the doors. The man sat back down, played as if he was falling asleep, and then attempted to flee again, but they were blocking the doors again.
\n     
\n     \u201cTell us the joke!\u201d
\n     
\n     The man began, \u201cThe heart . . .\u201d
\n     
\n     One of the dinner companions whispered, \u201cIt\u2019s a promising premise.\u201d
\n     
\n     The one sharpening his knife ceased his sharpening.
\n     
\n     The man continued, \u201c. . . and then a river, and then a mountain, and then a flock of geese.\u201d
\n     
\n     The man who had been sharpening his knife, but who had recently ceased sharpening his knife, began to sharpen his knife again.
\n     
\n     And then the prospective joke-teller became encircled by the serious people, who needed a joke to become less serious, because they were about to become very serious, unto the ultimate seriousness.
\n     
\n     
\n\u2013\u2013\u2013\u2013\u2013\u2013\u2013
\nBeau Golwitzer<\/strong>\u2019s writing has appeared in Kugelmass<\/em>, JMWW<\/em>, and Hobart<\/em>, amongst other journals. He lives in Chicago.
\n     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

     Family Announcements            The father stood up at the dinner table one night with a look of expectation on his face. Then he sat back down. A few moments later, he stood back up. He announced, \u201cI have an announcement to make.\u201d Then he sat back down.            The mother stood up. She said that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,3,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4303","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","category-fiction","category-things"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4303","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4303"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4303\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4303"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4303"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thisissporkpress.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4303"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}